If Trump Were a Cart Collector at K-Mart

Eric Forseth
6 min readDec 10, 2019

During months of impeachment proceedings, I’ve seen people with nothing to gain be sworn in to tell the truth to people in front of them (and those watching on TV). The ones on the left, democrats. The ones on the right, republicans.

These witnesses have said what they know about the behavior and actions of the president and the president’s men — simply, an attempt to gain personal political gain by demanding dirt on a political rival in return for lots of money that isn’t Trump’s to give. The democrats have accepted this information as truth, knowledge, a collection of corroborated facts. The republicans haven’t given any of these proceedings, the information revealed through them, or even the thought that the president might have done something wrong a second of consideration — or, they have but will never say that. I’m just writing about what I have observed.

The so-called republican party has tried to derail the impeachment from the start. We’ve seen a constant dismissal of all facts, no matter how credible. Repeated belittling of the process and crying foul regardless of how fair the process has been. Consistent attempts to change the conversation. Holding on to and bringing to light old, invalid conspiracies. Embracing false narratives. A baseless defense of a well-known liar (Trump) and an unwillingness to accept truth — because if the truth is not in their favor, it must not exist.

I can’t imagine anywhere in my life where I could behave like Donald Trump and get people to rally behind me until I eventually get away with it whatever bad thing I’ve clearly done. But I’ll try.

I used to work at K-Mart (RIP). While there, I was known as #25 and someone (God?) would call my number over the loudspeaker and tell me I needed to go get carts from the parking lot.

“Number 25 out for carts” they’d say over the intercom. And, I’d go get the carts.

Now, let’s say that when my number was called, and I NEVER went out for carts. That would’ve really ticked off my manager, let’s call him Lenny. Lenny (Len) would come up to me to discuss why ALL of the carts were still in the lot and I’d be in the toilet paper aisle with another co-worker, Stephanie, a woman #25 found oddly attractive.

Len would say “why didn’t you go out for carts, number 25?” And I’d say, “I did.” Then Len would say, but there aren’t any carts in the store and there are hundreds of them in the parking lot. It’s dangerous to drive out there!” And then I’d say, “I got them.” Len would look at Stephanie and she’d be asked if she saw me go get the carts. She’d say, “No. He’s been stacking TP with me for a while.” Len would look at me and say, “Why are you lying to me?” And I’d say, “I reject your accusation.” Then Len would maybe go talk with some other people who also said they heard “Number 25 out for carts” but they didn’t see me go get carts. In fact, five people said they saw me watching Fox News while eating cheeseburgers in the break room for about 45 minutes (before stacking TP with Stephanie). One person said it first. Then more people verified I was enjoying Sean Hannity’s strong hairline during my feast de cheeseburgers and I was not out getting carts. There are other witnesses, but I found out about this “witch hunt” and threatened to tack lies up about them on the bulletin board in the break room if they talked with Len. So, they stayed quiet — this was a big victory for me, made me feel powerful.

Len then goes to the video surveillance room to check the cameras and try to find me out collecting carts. While he digs for more facts and information, I go around the K-Mart pointing to my boots, they are a little dirty. I tell all my co-workers and anyone who will listen that I have dirt on my boots so I MUST have been out for carts. Even though I lie all the time and anyone with a functioning brain at K-Mart knows that, I manage to convince a number of them that I am a good #25. I get carts perfectly. I even threaten one of my co-workers to verify that I get perfect carts. I push them delicately, never with any pressure. Therefore, I MUST have gotten the carts that day.

Lenny comes back after scouring film and he has proof I was never out getting carts. But now he’s the bad guy just because I said he is. Everybody in K-Mart now hates the man; he’s getting glares, people accuse him of being out to get me. This one guy, Blair, even pushed him into a bunch of candy bars in front of a cashier! I call the whole thing a “hoax” and tell everyone that Len is the one who was supposed to get the carts, not me. He says, “But we heard your number get called and I talked to people who told me that #25 didn’t go out for carts. Numerous employees told me #25 was eating cheeseburgers and then stacking toilet paper with Stephanie. It’s dangerous to drive out in that parking lot!” He offers to show people the video. “I have video proof that between the time #25 was supposed to go out for carts and the time I went to go talk with him about the carts he was NEVER outside getting the carts.”

But I have dirt on my boots and called my cart collection perfect, so nobody cares. They say, “Eric is #25 and I believe him because he said he was out there. He has dirt on his boots for God’s sake!” When Len approached co-worker Nate to talk about this, he just yawned and said he didn’t care and that this whole fake thing was a waste of K-Mart’s time. Then Nate called Len a liar and came up with a nickname for him: Lemming Lenny. Then Nate got back to putting car batteries on the shelf.

Len asked me to talk about this in front of the store, but I declined. Then I put up a picture of Len on the bulletin board — it was him in a pink dress running down a street with a bunch of little girls (because I’m super manly and have decided Len is the opposite) and I write “Lemming Lenny” on it. It makes the dumb dumbs laugh.

After two hours of this there were five accidents in the parking lot. People trying to drive around carts running into parked cars, smacking bumpers, one elderly woman got run over and two small children just avoided getting struck by a cart that was hit by a car going 5 miles over the parking lot speed limit!

But nobody cares.

Nobody even watches the video that Len offers to show them. No one stopped to wonder if Len was supposed to get the carts even though he’s not #25. Nobody checked with the people who were witnesses, all of their stories match, all of it leads straight to me not going out to get carts. Nobody cared about the accidents. Nobody ever told me I was acting like a jackass, in fact, a lot of people supported me. Nobody held me accountable for my actions. How can this be? Because as long as I reject all valid information and provide my own narrative there are enough lazy, stupid people in the store to believe what I say without thinking about it at all. Because they believe in #25 more than they could ever believe in reality, facts, information or the truth.



Eric Forseth

I like writing so I write. I dabble in humor, fiction, short stories, observations and things I’ve learned.