Joey Football, his WH playas, ol’ Zucker Punch and Jack Dorsey (more like Jack Dempsey!) — suit up!
Accompanied by a truckload of twisted steel, political and tech Giants are finally uniting to tackle some anti-vax fools at vaccination sites across America. Keep your head on a swivel, whackados, because this crew will be laying the wood.
This coalition is gonna make Chuck Cecil look soft and NOBODY makes Chuck Cecil look soft. The guy’s nose bled for three straight seasons in Green Bay.
Find a Chrysler, as big as a whale and set sail. Find a Chrysler that seats about twenty. The entire Love Shack is yours! Just hurry up and bring your jukebox money—because there’s a jukebox.
There’s glitter on the mattress, glitter on the front porch and glitter on the hallway. Huggin’ and a-kissin’, dancin’ and a-lovin’ and wearin’ next to nothing is encouraged.
The whole shack shimmies.
Yeah the whole shack shimmies.
After each shimmy, we bleach the shack (every 5 minutes or so).
Bang, bang, bang on the door baby!
Knock a little louder, baby!
A child is born and a man wearing a Winona State University t-shirt holds the wee babe to his chest. He is happy, looks around the room with gratitude in his heart. The baby has questions.
“Hey, wait. Why aren’t you Tom Brady?”
“Oh, hello. I don’t know, daughter. I’m, uh, Rick. I’m your dad.”
[lowers head, sighs] “I’m sorry, Tanya. I wish I were Tom Brady, too.”
“WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! My name is dumb.”
[feeling of gratitude leaves the room and heads south for the winter]
“It was your grandmother’s name.
“I’m sure she was a real angel, Ken.”
Playing ping pong against the hands of time is a losing battle for a man who doesn’t believe in calories. What are they anyway? I can’t see calories. I can’t actually touch a calorie. They’re just a number on the side of a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch—a hidden valley is where they keep the calories (whoever they are).
Calories are fun. Like an invisible party. And so what if they hasten my expiration date. We live in a stupid place filled with stupid, annoying people. Some of them I happen to be related to! If I feel like I…
I’ve never met Aaron Rodgers. Most people with a POV of the situation in Green Bay haven’t met AR either. So, maybe I am equally qualified to comment on his rift with the Green Bay Packers front office.
Many have speculated on why he’s cheesed. Is it the Jordan Love pick? Is it the way they drafted Jordan Love? Is it Brian Gutekunst’s hair? Is it Mark Murphy’s stupid face? Is it the last five (mostly) ineffective drafts? The lack of actual depth at wide receiver? Is it the ho-hum, folksy nature in which the organization is run? …
There’s the apple one, the Atlantic sailfish flavored one from a while back and the standard brews that taste like a gigantic white mountain. The camo flavored beer in the fall is a festival. Then that hard-to-see-taste is followed up by the blaze orange flavor during deer hunting season. But, boy howdy, in this summer heat I am truly enjoying the ice cold refreshment of the corn on the cob flavored Busch Light. Yummmy!
Typically, I want my beer to taste like blue ribbons, champagne, a bushel of wheat, blue skies or a dirty stream or something—but not right now…
Last week I went for a walk with a friend, Jenna, and her dog. While strolling alongside the fabled lakes of south Minneapolis Jenna and I started talking about babies. She and her fella are thinking about having one, me and my fair lady have an 8mo drooling all over our house. She said her dude is reluctant to have kids because he lived with a family that had a baby and it sucked. I can confirm that it does, indeed, suck to live with a baby. I also told her that it’s an incredible experience. Why? A few reasons.
But I could be wrong. I’ve been wrong before.
Like when I was 25 I met a delightful girl whom I shared dinner with at a Perkins Restaurant. She was energetic, funny and had a wonderful smile. I had the chicken tender melt, she ate pancakes, and as our meal concluded I found out she was 17. I bought her and her mother a pie, walked her home and felt strange for two days.
These things happen. I was mistaken. It wouldn’t be the last time I was wrong.
I could be wrong about my thoughts about self-love and its…
Another mass shooting, another Dem president saying “We have to do something” and another opportunity for Ted Cruz (et al.) to make love to and soothe the pretend fears of Republican voters. By now it’s as predictable as gun deaths and taxes.
The radical legislation that gets brought up every six months (or whatever) is to ban assault rifles, clips that hold lots of rounds and universal background checks. Will that solve the problem? No! Will it help? Yes! Ted spoke confidently like a good boy and called the Democrats efforts “ridiculous theater.”
When Cruz says things like this, pretends…
Before I walked out of the office (for the last time) I wrote “See you after Easter!” on a whiteboard on the wall. I drew a bunny rabbit with red tears coming out of its eyes. Maybe it had Ebola. I don’t know.
I thought we’d be back soon, as if pandemics come into our lives and then back out like the tide of an ocean. I guess I am not a scientist.
I went on a walk in mid-March and listened to The Daily. On the podcast, one of the guests said that this thing was going to get…
Eric lives in Minneapolis with three ladies. One is an adult. One is a baby. The other, a dog.