Joey Football, his WH playas, ol’ Zucker Punch and Jack Dorsey (more like Jack Dempsey!) — suit up!
Accompanied by a truckload of twisted steel, political and tech Giants are finally uniting to tackle some anti-vax fools at vaccination sites across America. Keep your head on a swivel, whackados, because this crew will be laying the wood.
This coalition is gonna make Chuck Cecil look soft and NOBODY makes Chuck Cecil look soft. The guy’s nose bled for three straight seasons in Green Bay.
Find a Chrysler, as big as a whale and set sail. Find a Chrysler that seats about twenty. The entire Love Shack is yours! Just hurry up and bring your jukebox money—because there’s a jukebox.
There’s glitter on the mattress, glitter on the front porch and glitter on the hallway. Huggin’ and a-kissin’, dancin’ and a-lovin’ and wearin’ next to nothing is encouraged.
The whole shack shimmies.
Yeah the whole shack shimmies.
After each shimmy, we bleach the shack (every 5 minutes or so).
Self Check-In Bang, bang, bang on the door baby! Knock a little…
A child is born and a man wearing a Winona State University t-shirt holds the wee babe to his chest. He is happy, looks around the room with gratitude in his heart. The baby has questions.
“Hey, wait. Why aren’t you Tom Brady?”
“Oh, hello. I don’t know, daughter. I’m, uh, Rick. I’m your dad.”
[lowers head, sighs] “I’m sorry, Tanya. I wish I were Tom Brady, too.”
“WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! My name is dumb.”
[feeling of gratitude leaves the room and heads south for the winter]
“It was your grandmother’s name.
“I’m sure she was a real angel, Ken.”
Another mass shooting, another Dem president saying “We have to do something” and another opportunity for Ted Cruz (et al.) to make love to and soothe the pretend fears of Republican voters. By now it’s as predictable as gun deaths and taxes.
The radical legislation that gets brought up every six months (or whatever) is to ban assault rifles, clips that hold lots of rounds and universal background checks. Will that solve the problem? No! Will it help? Yes! Ted spoke confidently like a good boy and called the Democrats efforts “ridiculous theater.”
When Cruz says things like this, pretends…
Before I walked out of the office (for the last time) I wrote “See you after Easter!” on a whiteboard on the wall. I drew a bunny rabbit with red tears coming out of its eyes. Maybe it had Ebola. I don’t know.
I thought we’d be back soon, as if pandemics come into our lives and then back out like the tide of an ocean. I guess I am not a scientist.
I went on a walk in mid-March and listened to The Daily. On the podcast, one of the guests said that this thing was going to get…
There’s a reason why I heard the same phrase over and over—because it’s true.
During the first four months of parenting, everyone had one common piece of advice for us when our outsides looked as dead as our insides: it gets better! And then they smiled. And then I’d smile back. Maybe. I don’t remember.
I was a non-believer of this prediction.
One night, after Alma screamed like a velociraptor for a few hours, my wife laid her down, walked away, and Alma revved back up. Now Ali was crying too and I decided that I was going to solve…
I never thought this would happen. No way. Not me. Don Draper sleeps with co-workers, not Eric. He’s a 10, a fox! I am a 4.5 with two humps, a camel, at best.
I was born into a very working class family in the ’80s. Real gritty fingers, industrial-like. My dad worked in a factory most of my childhood. He was a union guy. I picketed with him a few times. My mom worked in a factory, too. They showed me what it was like to show up, every day, even if you didn’t like it, and work. No frills…
Here I am. Another glamorous day of working from home, staring out the front window of our living room. Waiting for the mail guy to get here so I can think, yet again, I’d freeze to death and then die if I had to deliver the mail on a day like this. Across the street some Christmas lights are still up, and lit up each night. When I see them I wonder if they’ve been forgotten about.
“Hey, are those our lights on that tree?”
“Huh. Yes, that is our tree. Must be our lights.”
“I’ll be dipped.”
Trump’s never had a real job, but most of us have. And, all of us would be canned, shunned and jailed if we did Trumpy things at work.
Take the Capitol riot, for instance. If I laid the groundwork and incited that shit I’d be sharing a cell today with some huge dude called, Eclipse. But, it doesn’t seem to matter what Don did, or has done. The GOP is cool with a coup. What a country!
Let’s play a game called: what’d happen if Donald Trump had a normal job but did the things he did as president? …
It’s Valentine’s Day soon and I have a serious swish problem. I’ve made some bad financial decisions recently and am cash deprived. Reddit much. Heard of GameStop? Me too. I bought high and sold low, which, is bad. Maybe you did too. Maybe your dad and Mark Cuban think you’re dumb too.
I don’t need to hear about “my poor life choices” anymore. Or about how “I have my shit together but it’s in different bags.” I need to make that swish so I can buy my lady, Carter, some tastee Italian (OG) for VD.
Do you know what the…
Eric lives in Minneapolis with three ladies. One is an adult. One is a baby. The other, a dog.